Living Nightmares & Nightmarish Lives
by Cobalt-Sniper
Summary: After the game, life goes on as normal, but can a nightmare change all that? And what's worse; the dream or the reality? Based off an MSPARP chat. Rated T for harm and Karkat
1. Discovery

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and you don't have time for this bullshit.

As soon as the game ended, things went mostly back to normal. The Beta kids went back to school in the new universe, and you and the other trolls joined them there.

Even after five years, you still don't like the idea of sleeping at night, but the sun is nowhere near as harsh here, and you've fit in for the most part.

What you don't accept, however, is the regular occurrence that is your roommate, John Egbert, at your door.

You groan, getting up off your 'bed' – there is a serious problem with the lack of sopor slime – to answer the door.

"Oh. You." you sigh, having known full well it wasn't going to be anyone else.

"Yes. Me." John smiles his toothy grin at you.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" you practically growl.

His gaze shifts to his feet "I had a nightmare."

"What, again?" yes again, you bulge-munching idiot, that's the only reason John ever comes over here at 11:00P.M.

"Yeah. Can I stay with you?" he looks embarrassed, his bright blue eyes not meeting yours.

"Sure." you mumble, as he smiles up at you, walking in and sitting on your bed.

You close the door and go to sit down next to him "What was it about?"

He shrugs "Nothing important"

"No, really. Tell me."

The smile falls from his face "I don't really want to relive it."

"That bad?" you ask, looking at him closely, as if searching his face for any sign of what he dreamt.

"Yeah..." he sighs, and suddenly you can feel the tips of his freezing toes against your legs, and you wince.

"Your toes are like ice." you groan, pulling a blanket off your bed and putting it over the both of you.

He just mumbles something incoherent and leans against you. You grumble, but lean against him instead of pushing him away.

A few minutes pass in comfortable silence before John looks up at you.

"So... You remember back in the game? When I turned you down?"

You tense a bit. Of course you remember. You told him you wanted to be his Kismesis, and he turned you down with a grossed out 'no homo!'

"Yeah, I remember. What about it?" you ask.

"I might be... rethinking it." he mumbles.

You totally freeze up. Is he saying what you think he's saying? Does he really feel that much hatred towards you?

You pause a moment before answering.

"Well, this is awkward."

"Yeah... This might not have been the best time to tell you that..."

"No, it's fine!" you hurriedly assure him "It's just...

"I don't think I feel that way any more."

You feel him freeze up against you.

"Oh.. uh, sorry..." you can hear him sniffle as he pushes himself off the bed, and you can see tears forming in his eyes.

"No, please don't go." before you know what you're doing, you have a hand on his arm, stopping him from leaving.

"But..."

He just looks so pathetic, staring at you as you stand up and move next to him.

"I don't want to be your Kismesis any more. I think..."

The tears are threatening to spill down his face at any moment as he stares up at you.

"I think I want to be something more...

"With you."

"More?" he's obviously confused. I mean, you just turned him down and now you're telling him you want to be something with him?

"I think... I want to be your Matesprit."

without another word you bend down and kiss his forehead, pulling away after a moment.

"So... Do you..."

John blushes, staring up at you for a moment before he responds. "Oh, yeah! I thought that was obvious! I really like you, Karkat.

You can't believe this is actually happening. Is this actually happening?

You decide to believe that this is actually happening, and let your embarrassment show "I like you too, dork."

John giggles, actually _giggles_, and nuzzles into you. You let a small smile play at your lips, and wrap your arm around his shoulders.

"Why do you, though? I mean, not that I want you to hate me, but I'm kinda pathetic."

You look him in the eyes and smile "Well, you kinda are, but not in a bad way. You're like a little lost puppy, wandering around with that absolutely _priceless_ grin on your face. You're pathetic in all the right ways, and none of the wrong ways."

A tiny snort comes from somewhere in his throat "I'm completely pathetic. I mean, I'm 18 and I haven't even had my first kiss!"

"Well then..." you lean in, until your foreheads are pressed together and you have to tilt your head to avoid hitting his nose.

Are you actually doing this? Are you actually going to do something so cheesy?

"Let's change that."

Yes you are.

His lips are dry and slightly cracked, and his tongue tastes like baking sugar and chocolate. He tenses up for a moment before returning the kiss, his tongue pushing against yours in some kind of tug-of-war before they both settle against the roof of his mouth.

After a minute of this, you both pull away, gasping for air, and it registers for the first time just how red his face is, and doubt creeps into your mind.

"Oh Gog, did I misread that?"

"No, no!" he hurriedly assure "It's just, that was my first kiss, and I was worried it wasn't good, that you wouldn't like it, and-"

You silence him with another kiss, this one shorter and much less exploratory, more of a soft peck on the lips than a full kiss.

"You did fine."

"Oh... thanks?"

You chuckle at the confusion in his voice. "No problem."

He returns your awkward chuckle "Oh God, this is awkward."

"You don't say."

"Heh, yeah. Let's move this conversation along."

"If you want." you smile, jostling his shoulder a bit as you both move back to sit on the bed.

"So... The weather's been pretty mild lately." he starts.

"Yeah. Nice weather we're having."

...

...

"Oh Gog, this isn't less awkward."

"Yep. We need a water cooler for this kind of idle chitchat." he chuckles at his lame joke.

"Agreed. I think there's one in the basement." you laugh.

"I'd rather not go down there at this time of night." he whispers.

"Neither would I. I guess we just have to talk about something better." you reply.

"Yeah. So... Ugh, I'm sorry." he groans.

"Sorry for what?" you ask.

"Sorry for being me."

You just smile and jostle his shoulder again "Don't be. That's why you're here right now."

He shakes his head "But I'm useless. I might as well just die, save the world some trouble."

You stare at him, grey-gold meeting blue "No you shouldn't. Not even remotely. You take that back right now, John Egbert."

"I won't, because it's true."

"It is not. It is the most untrue thing ever."

"It's true, though. Everyone at school agrees, and I just..." he doesn't finish, simply shifting away from you and sitting on the other end of the bed.

You shift closer to him and wrap your arm around his shoulders "Everyone at school is wrong."

"No they aren't! They're absolutely right!"

"No they're not."

"They are! I'm just gonna do the world a favour and kill myself." he shakes.

"You are not useless." you whisper "At least, I don't think you are."

"but I do. And I will. Because no one on this or any other world would even be slightly affected by my-"

And you kiss him again.

But all too soon he starts crying again, and you pull away.

"I would. I would never get over it if you did. I would curl into a ball and stay there until I died.

"That's not true. No one cares about me enough to do anything but laugh at me."

You sigh "John, have I laughed at you once about this?"

"Not about this..." he whispers.

"I say a lot of things, John, but I never laugh at you. I never call you less. And if I have, I'm so sorry."

John shrugs out of your hug "I... I'm gonna go to sleep. G'night."

You grab his wrist tightly "Don't go, John. I'm scared. You've scared me."

"I'm tired, Karkat." he tries to break your grip.

"I'm not leaving you, John." you say, just a little bit forcefully.

"I.. I need to use the bathroom." he whispers.

"Then I'll stand right outside that door. If I hear anything, I'm coming in."

John sighs, walking into the bathroom, shutting the door behind him. You stand outside quietly.

A moment later, the dull click of a deadbolt reverberates inside the apartment.

"John, so help me Gog I will break down this door!"

"I'm trying to use it, Karkat." he calls through the door.

"If I hear anything, I'm coming in."

But you don't hear anything. After a minute, you hear a drawer open, and the tap starts spewing water. A moment later, the door is unlocked, but John doesn't open it.

"Egbert?" you call in, pushing the door open slightly.

"I'm fi-GAH!" he cries out in pain.

"John!" you push the door open, rushing inside.

Inside you find John, a bloody razor in one hand, his arms covered in bloody slits and scars. You don't want to think about how long this has been going on if the scars are already fading away again. Without thinking, you rush in, swatting the bloodied razor into the toilet and wrapping your arms around his shoulders, pinning them to his side.  
"Karkat! I'm fine, okay?" he protests.

"No you're not, John! Oh Gog, look at those!" your eyes take in the sight of the dried – and fresh – blood caking his arms and legs.

"Yes I am, Karkat! Besides, I've gone deeper." he whispers the last part.

You shudder slightly, and he winces as you accidentally brush his cuts "No. I don't even want to think about that. One of these days, you're gonna cut a vein and bleed to death. And that'll kill me too." you barely whisper it, knowing that with your face next to his, he's bound to hear it.

"I know what I'm doing, Karkat." he murmurs, breaking free from your grip and turning to face you, blood dripping from his fingers.

"No, John. This has gotta stop." you wrap your arms around him again "I don't care what you do, so long as this stops."

To your surprise, he starts to sob "I'm not stopping, Karkat."

You hold him closer, carefully avoiding the cuts lacing his wrists and forearms "It will if I have anything to do with it."

"But you don't, Karkat. They're my wrists and I can cut if I want." he retorts weakly.

"But I care about you. I'm not gonna let you do this."

"It's my choice."

"Your choice affects others."

He chuckles sadly "Who? Who actually gives a shit about me? Certainly not anyone at school."

"Those people don't know what they're missing."

For a moment, actual fear crosses his eyes, before being replaced with guilt "God, I'm sorry, Karkat. I didn't..."

And then John Egbert faints on top of you.

You swear loudly, your arms stiffening around his chest as you carry him back to your room, settling him on top of it and reaching into your back pocket, praying to any deity out there that you didn't forget to-

No, there it is. You feel the first aid kit in your hand, and reach inside for a roll of bandage, which you wrap around his arms and chest.

Current crisis averted, you place your ear against his chest, finding the pulse you had hoped would still be there. More reassured, you sit next to him, running your fingers through his hair as his chest slowly rises and falls.

You take in the soft feeling of his dark hair against your hand, note how his leg twitches in his sleep even though his arms remain perfectly still, note the look on his blue eyes as he _oh god he's awake._

"H-hey." John tries to give you his trademark grin, but the fact that he's white as a sheet and covered in blood takes away from the effect.

"Hey." you reply, your fingers not moving "Feeling better?"

"Ugh... Karkat?"

"Yeah?" you lean closer, determined not to miss a single word he says.

"D-did I... cut t-too deep?" he asks.

"Gee, maybe." you reply, sarcasm dripping off your words like honey "Of course you did, Egbert. You even passed out for a bit."

"Yeah, I... I can tell." His hand goes to his head, and you barely resist the urge to wrap your arms around him and never let go "Must've lost too much blood again..."

"Again?" you're sure he can hear the worry in your voice "This happened before?"

"T-twice." he mumbles."

"But... what happened then?"

"I... woke up. Got better. Stopped for a while. Then I kept going again." he shivers.

"And no one knew?" you ask.

"No one knew." he repeats.

"Oh Gog," you murmur "This has to stop. This can't ever happen again. Not ever.

"But... I want to." he argues "It feels good."

"But it hurts you. A-and... it hurts me."

"It doesn't hurt..." he whispers.

"But you just fainted!"

"That didn't hurt... Ow..." he holds his head.

"I think it does. I think you know it does. And I think it should stop."

"It won't, Karkat."

"I swear, John, if I have to stay with you 24/7, I will." you grip his shoulder.

"Karkat..."

"If that's what it takes. If that's what you need."

"I don't need anything." he whispers into your chest.

"You need someone to help you."

"No I don't!" he sobs.

"Yes you do." you pull him closer to you, your chin resting on his forehead.

"No, I don't!" he argues.

"You do. And even if you don't, I'll be there anyway, because I care about you." you kiss his forehead again.

"You really shouldn't." he mumbles.

"And yet here we are. And I most certainly do." you reply softly.

"Well stop." he sighs, and you feel his warm, stuttering breath against your collarbone.

"You can't make me." you reply strongly, your fingers tracing circles on his palms "I care about you, John."

"Ugh. Please, just leave me alone." he groans.

"No. I don't want to leave you ever again. I want to be there for you until you feel good about yourself." you brush the hair away from his eyes, turning his face to look at yours.

"I'm not worth anything..." he mumbles.

"I think you are." you whisper, as if telling him the world's biggest secret "In fact, I think you're so worth it, I'm not ever leaving your side."

"Please, just let me be." he practically begs.

"No, I'm scared." you mirror his expression "Can I stay with you?"

"I.."

John doesn't finish, instead bolting up and into the bathroom, the deadbolt locking behind him.

"JOHN!" you are up in an instant, your largest sickle at the ready, and not a moment later it has collided with the lock, and a satisfying crash can be heard.

You throw open the door to find John scratching at his legs with his nails.

You take his hands in your own, raising them to his chest "John, stop."

John just sobs, a small 'please' coming from him as blood trickles from the jagged cuts on his legs.

"No, John. I'm not letting this happen." before he can argue, one of your hands moves to his back, and you're carrying him back to your bed, setting him down next to you, your hand still grasping his. He cries softly, struggling against your grip and getting blood everywhere.

"John." you say softly, holding him against you. He yelps, struggling harder, even though he must realise you are stronger than him.

"I don't want to hurt you, John. I want to help. Please, let me." you hold him closer, his chin on your shoulder.

"No! I don't want help!" he sobs more, and you feel him shake in your arms.

"Well too bad. I don't want my matesprit to hurt himself."

A moment passes before you realise you called John your matesprit. Another moment passes before you realise he didn't mind.

"It makes me feel better." he whispers.

"What about your friends? Don't they make you feel better?" you ask.

"What friends? They all cut me off after the game."

For the first time you realise just how quiet your friends have been. None of them have been online, save John, for weeks, and you barely see them at school. You decide that once John's sorted out, you'll yell their heads off for letting him feel this way.

"I'm still here." you reply "And if they don't, that's their loss."

"But at the same time, I like being alone without them." he ponders "I can cut all I want."

You hold him some more, whispering softly in his ear, and slowly he calms down, his sobs softening.

"I love you, John. Think about that next time you want to do that."

"I love you too!" he hurriedly replies "I just... can't stop."

"Then let me help you."

"No. let me live my life."

"John, let me _save_ your life."

"It doesn't _need_ saving! I can do this all I want and you can't stop me!"

"You can't even move, John. I'll just stay here the rest of my life. That'll stop you." you joke.

"Stop, Karkat."

"No."

You hold him again, and he starts squirming. He's just drawing breath to scream when you kiss him, your tongue wrapping around his and silencing him.

"I won't ever stop, John. You matter to me."

He chuckles "Nice joke, Karkat."

"Seriously, John. I care more about you than breathing or eating."

The statement seems to make him squirm "Can you let me go now?"

"No. you'll just hurt yourself." you reply.

He starts sobbing again, pulling his knees up to his chest and tucking his head in. You kiss his forehead, wrapping yourself around him.

After a few minutes he pulls away "Can I lie down now?"

"There's nothing stopping you."

"You're still holding my hand."

You let go of his hand for the briefest instant, before it comes over his chest and tucks under his other arm. He sighs, turning to face away from you, curling up into a tight little ball.

You wrap yourself around him again, and you both drift to sleep.

Your name is Karkat Vantas, and today is the last day John Egbert will hurt himself.

You promise.


	2. The Morning

**A/N:  
Hey guys!  
Here's the sequel to my RP with the wonderful Mr. Lakeylan, my friend and unofficial beta reader.  
The story is now officially finished, but I might add more chapters if I feel like it needs continuing, or if it gets enough support.  
Make sure to R&R!**

* * *

Your name is John Egbert, and you wake up in a heap of blankets and limbs.

Karkat is pressed against you, his arms over your chest, his face buried in your neck. You can feel his stuttering, irregular breaths against your skin, vibrating in your throat as he groans and mumbles in his sleep. His fingers clench and unclench around the hem of your shirt, and his leg twitches slightly against yours.

It would be so easy to slip away, push his arms off and sneak back to the bathroom to finish what you started last night. You could do it; cut that vein and let your life bleed out, just like Karkat said you would. But something about the way his arms press against your side, the way his hair rubs against your ear, and how his horns press slightly against your head, makes you want to just stay here forever. You press your hands against his arms, nuzzling into his head as he sighs more.

You don't know how long you stay there, but the sun has begun to shine through the window, and somewhere in the living room the phone rings, but Karkat is still asleep and you don't want to get up and the phone keeps ringing until the caller gives up and goes away.

It is well past noon before Karkat finally wakes up, his breathing stopping for a moment before his arms are suddenly gone, and he is sitting up and his hand brushes your face and you are pushing into the touch.

"Hey" You murmur, still sleepy despite the fact you woke up hours ago.

"Morning." he grunts, rubbing his eyes with his free hand "Sleep well?"

"Yeah." you nod, pushing yourself up to lean on your elbows.

He smiles, an actual smile as opposed to that horrible smirk he normally puts on. You make a note to see it more often.

"No nightmares?" he asks.

"No." you answer, only now realising that you slept perfectly for the first time in too long.

"Good."

You sit up, pressing your feet into the small grey carpet Karkat always rolls out around his bed for the colder months. Your toes curl into the soft fabric as he sits up next to you, your shoulders pressed together.

"Are you feeling better?" he asks, actual concern on his face.

"Y-yeah, thanks." you reply, slightly taken aback at the feeling of his fingers against yours, anchoring you in place.

He squeezes your hand, and _oh God_ his hands are so warm. You wonder if he's sick, but dismiss the thought. Just looking at him you can tell he isn't. How could a sick person smile like that, with their yellow eyes shining so brightly, like two giant mirrors, gazing right at you with all their anger and irritation and care and thought and _kindness_, actual kindness.

And you realise just how much you mean to him. And just how much he means to you.

"S-so... About last night." you whisper.

"Don't. Don't talk about that." he says, and he actually _shivers_ at the memory, gripping your hand tighter and leaning his head on yours, as if making sure he got to you in time last night.

You cringe slightly, his grip squeezing a lot of old cuts, his shoulder pressing into your bandaged arm.

"No, I... I just wanted to say... Thanks." you jostle his shoulder slightly.

"Oh... No problem, Egbert." he says, relief in his voice.

You feel something warm and wet against your forehead, and you wrap your arm around Karkat's head and pull him down, connecting your lips to his, stealing a quick kiss before wrapping your arms around him, feeling his warmth as he freezes, taken aback by your sudden action. He chuckles a moment later, returning the gesture and pressing his lips against yours again, pausing for a moment before pulling away again.

You sit there, arms around his shoulders, his head on your shoulder as you tuck your legs under his, tracing circles on his arm.

You don't know how much longer you sit there, and it registers that you both have classes today, but you brush away that thought, because _Karkat_.

Anyway, if it weren't for him, you wouldn't be at school anyway. Ever again.

You shiver, pressing yourself closer to Karkat, burying your face in his sweatshirt at the thought.

He pulls you closer, enveloping you in his warmth as you sob silently, tears pricking at your eyes and falling onto his sweater silently.

Eventually you compose yourself enough to stop crying, and Karkat excuses himself to go get something to eat.

You remain on his bed, staring at the wall as thoughts flurry through your head.

Maybe you should try getting in touch with your 'friends' again. You think Dave might bother being friendly for a while, and Jade's too nice to just outright ignore you.

You're pulled out of your thoughts by the sound of Karkat's grubtop coming to life.

You can't help yourself; you stand up and walk over to it.

It seems Karkat is using his phone to troll someone in the kitchen, and the bulky computer is picking up on it and opening Trollian.

**carcinoGeneticist [CG] began Trolling turntechGodhead [TG]**

**CG: STRIDER YOU'D BETTER FUCKING PICK UP**

**TG: whoa dude chill, what's up with you?**

**CG: YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT'S UP**

**CG: JOHN FUCKING EGBERT**

**TG: dude, you have no idea how wrong that sounds**

**CG: I'M FUCKING SERIOUS, STRIDER**

**CG: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU THREE GETTING AT IGNORING HIM LIKE THAT?**

**TG: what do you mean?**

**CG: THE THREE OF YOU HAVE BEEN TREATING HIM LIKE SHIT AND HE'S FINALLY STARTING TO SNAP**

**CG: HE'S HURTING HIMSELF AND I'M HOLDING YOU PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE**

**TG: dude whoa wait, hold up**

**TG: what do you mean, hurting himself?**

**CG: I MEAN HE'S TAKEN A KNIFE TO HIMSELF, DUNG-BAT**

**CG: ARE YOU REALLY THAT DENSE THAT YOU DIDN'T NOTICE?**

**TG: dude, John hasn't talked to us for weeks**

**CG: HAVE YOU TALKED TO HIM?**

**TG: …**

**CG: I THOUGHT NOT**

**CG: NOW JOHN'S NOT COMING TO SCHOOL FOR A WHILE, BUT WHEN HE DOES, YOU HAD BETTER BE THE BEST FRIEND IN THE WHOLE FUCKING WORLD, OR THERE WILL BE CONSEQUENCES.**

**TG: dude chill out**

**TG: John's not some delicate flower that everyone needs to spend their lives protecting**

**CG: HE'S ALSO NOT A STONE COLD MOTHER-FUCKER WHO CAN TAKE ANYTHING, SO STOP TREATING HIM LIKE IT.**

**CG: YOU'D BETTER SHAPE YOUR SHIT UP, STRIDER, OR I'LL KNOW.**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased Trolling turntechGodhead [TG]**

You don't know what to think. Karkat just single-handedly beat some common sense into Dave, and now you can see the same is happening for Jade and Rose.

**GG: oh god, Karkat! I didn't know John felt that bad! :(**

**CG: WELL HE DID, AND YOU'D BETTER MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T ANYMORE.**

**carcinoGeneticist [CG] ceased Trolling gardenGnostic [GG}**

**TT: Karkat, are you sure you aren't exaggerating? John seemed perfectly fine the last time we spoke.**

**CG: THE LAST TIME YOU SPOKE WAS WEEKS AGO, AND ALSO THE REASON HE IS FLIPPING THE FUCK OUT NOW.**

**carcinoGeneticist ceased Trolling tentacleTherapist [TT]**

Just as you move away from the computer, Karkat pushes the door open, two ham sandwiches in one hand and his phone in the other. He hands you a sandwich, placing his phone on the dresser and sitting next to you, biting into his own sandwich.

"Thanks." you murmur, nibbling on your own sandwich. Your hunger takes over, though, and you scarf the meal down ravenously.

Karkat chuckles, slowly finishing off his own sandwich and wiping his fingers on his sweatshirt.

You look up at the Troll, smiling as he sighs, leaning back. You turn so that your back is against his shoulder, your legs dangling off the end of the bed.

"John?"

You look up, meeting Karkat's eyes "Yeah?"

"You're happy now, right?"

You almost laugh at the childishness of the sentence, before pressing your lips against Karkat's cheek, the briefest of touches.

"I couldn't be happier." you reply, smiling widely.

He leans his head on yours, and you feel his breath ruffle your hair as he sighs.

"Good." he whispers softly, right next to your ear.

"Karkat?" you whisper.

"Yeah?"

"We're boyfriends now. I'm calling it."

Karkat laughs, an actual laugh, and you worry for a moment that he doesn't feel the same way.

"About time, too." he murmurs.

Scratch that. He obviously does.

You turn quickly, wrapping your arms around Karkat's neck, pulling him down into a long kiss.

He doesn't refuse.

You eventually let go, content to just be around Karkat. He seems to feel the same way, combing his fingers through your hair softly, massaging your scalp with his claws.

You begin to hum, a tuneless song you're barely aware you're creating, reverberating in your throat softly.

Karkat wraps the bedsheets around the two of you, and you push yourself back into the corner, bringing him with you.

He pulls his hands out of your hair, wrapping them around your chest and resting his head on your shoulder. You sit quietly, taking in the feel of his rough skin against your sides, the smell of his hair – crab-apple – the soft breath ghosting your neck and shoulder.

It feels amazing.

Soon, though, Karkat is standing up, guiding you into the small living room, pushing you onto the couch before disappearing into the kitchen again. You hear the freezer open, and the sound of two bowls clinking against the marble counter.

A few minutes later, Karkat returns to the couch with two bowls of ice cream, both heavily lathered in chocolate sauce. He hands you one, and turns the T.V onto one of the movie channels.

You polish off your ice cream quickly, setting the bowl on the coffee table and curling up next to Karkat, the bedsheets still wrapped around the two of you, huddling close together to conserve warmth.

You spend the rest of the day watching cheesy movies and cuddling, pressed together under the warm blankets and quilts. You have to admit it's a bit different from your normal movie nights, but you don't really mind or care, and you decide to do it again sometime.

At the end of the day, neither of you want to leave the warmth of the couch, so you go upstairs to retrieve your and Karkat's pillows, and the two of you camp out under the blankets for the night, sharing each other's warmth, barely caring that your cuts hurt when he leans on them.

Your name is John Egbert, and you could get used to this.


End file.
